Resolutions

 Resolutions. I love making them but I am horrible at keeping them. I was reading through the ones that I have made and posted on my blog and my success rate was LOW! So here we go, hoping that I will be better this year. These are fairly personal and I have debated posting these on my blog or not, but since my blog is private and you are all family and friends I feel comfortable sharing real parts of me. I am not posting for sympathy, just to get it out.

1. Improve my relationship with my Father in Heaven. 

Christmas eve was hard. That night I sat up all night and just bawled. It felt as if my heart was going to explode. Things felt off without Daddy and I just wanted him to be with us more than anything. As I sat by the tree and cried I felt this hole that just couldn't be filled and I began to reflect on the true reason for this Christmas season. Because our Father in Heaven loved us so much he sent his son. A baby to this world. What love, what sacrifice, what a gift. and because of that precious baby was born, he lived and he died for me, not only for my sins but for my grief as well. What a blessing. While this trial has been hard to bear, it has brought me closer to my Savior and I am so thankful for such a wonderful gift.

Losing my Father this year has really had me thinking about our Father in Heaven and how much my Spirit must miss him. I read a quote online from President Ezra Taft Benson that said; “Nothing will surprise us more than when we get to heaven and see the Father and realize how well we know Him and how familiar His face is to us.” I started to think how close my Dad and I were and how I longed just to talk to him, and that I could have that same relationship with my Father in Heaven, his hand is stretched out towards me and I have to reach back. 

So to do this I will improve my scripture study and personal prayer. I have always struggled with both of these and I really want to be better to improve our relationship.  

2. Have REAL expectations of my ability to heal and let it go.

I was so excited for 2015! Jakob was going to graduate, we were going to move to our new city and hopefully set down roots, I was going to get pregnant, and we were going to have adventures and while a lot of that did happen (no baby though) and there was good, the shadow of my Dad and other family members passing away hit me HARD. Whenever I saw movies or heard of people passing away I just couldn't understand why they were so sad. For people of our faith especially, they had a knowledge that it wasn't the end, that families are forever and then it happened to me. I figured I would bounce back, that it would be sad for a few days and then that would be it. I would miss him and go on. I didn't expect to be devastated, to be hurt and shattered, to cry so hard that my insides hurt. I didn't expect the hard days. And the more frequently they happened the more frustrated I became. 

On new years I was so excited to put things behind me. to close 2015 up like a book and just keep it shut. Then January 2nd came and it happened all over again and I was furious. I was done, I quit and I wasn't supposed to feel pain. But of course I did. Me thinking that over night things would change was a completely unrealistic and I need to be okay with hurting. To know that it is a process and that it is okay! Wounds don't heal over night and it will get easier.

3. Have more QUALITY time with my children. 
Lots of my time I am cleaning, running, sorting, cooking or crafting and while I enjoy some of those things I find at the end of the day that I have very few real conversations with my kids. Some days are great, I feel like super Mom and other days are just HARD. Life happens and through that chaos I want to spend more time with my kids, genuinely engaged in what they are doing.  

4. Enjoy the Moment.
Often I find I am looking forward to buying a house, getting another car, having another baby and so on that I end up missing the moments that I am in right now. Life goes by FAST and I will miss these days where money is tight but I have my babies at home with me. I have been blessed with such and amazing life. I want to be more thankful and just enjoy these moments while I have them. 

5. Go somewhere for a weekend with just Jakob and I. 
My husband is just amazing. And while life is busy and things are crazy I would really like to just have a weekend where it is just us. To have an over night trip camping, or adventuring, or simply going out ALL DAY and just have fun. The only time that I have had time away from my little's was at my Dad's funeral.  We just need some hubby wifey time and I want to make it a goal to do something this year. 

That's my goals for 2016. I'll try to keep checking back on these to see how I'm doing. Here's to a happy, healthy 2016 full of laughter, joy, love and adventure!