I'm not sure how to even write this post because I really don't think it has sunk in yet. I have been putting it off. I know that I spoke at the funeral, I made the arrangements, went to the grave, but it all still feels so surreal. My father has passed away. He had a condition called myeloblastic syndrome which was a precursor to leukemia. All we knew (because Daddy didn't want to know too much and it have affect the way he lived) was that if he caught a fever, he had to go to the hospital. Well for the first time in more than two years, he got sick. Kind of strange because it wasn't the flu, there were no other symptoms other than stomach pain and spitting up large amounts of blood. He did what he was supposed to and though we tried and we prayed he passed away. I really don't think he knew he was dying, things were slow for the first few days and then it really all went terribly wrong within 24 hours. I was going to fly home, I booked my flight and he just had to hold on until 3:00 in the afternoon when I would land but he wasn't able to. He passed away at 2:22 in the morning on June 26th, 2015. While it makes me sad that I wasn't there to hold his had or to tell him how much I loved him I feel grateful. My last memories of my Dad are of him playing with the kids, or working on projects and racing through IKEA not of him sick in a hospital bed. I didn't need to tell him how much I loved him and I didn't need to hear it from him because we already knew. I knew how much he loved me, how proud he was of me. I wish I would have known that he was going to go while he was visiting because I would have held him a little longer when he hugged me good-bye. I would have cherished watching the hockey game with him a little more. We wouldn't have worked so hard and would have had more fun. I would have captured more pictures of him laughing in my memory but I already had those times with me and I'm so grateful that he was here, happy and thriving just two weeks before he passed away.
I landed in Canada 12 hours after he had passed and here was my mother, completely broken and I had no idea how to help her. She had lost her love, her partner, and her friend and I couldn't understand her pain. We went to the hospital so that Chris (who wasn't able to be there when he passed either) could see his body. I sat outside with Jared since I didn't want to see him. I could see the pain in Jared's eyes. I felt so bad for him. He had such a burden written on his heart having had to watch Dad go. He was strong yet broken and I felt bad because while I felt confusion I also felt peace because I know our Heavenly Father's plan and I also knew that Dad and I were okay. Jared was lost and my heart just ached for him.
The next day we just had a day. We went to DQ and got Dad's favorite shake. Chocolate Banana (so gross.) And we all had a sip.
We went to the farmers market and just wandered. I could feel that I needed to step up. That I was going to be peoples rock and I was okay with that. It was a strange feeling since that was Daddy's roll. Things happened way too fast after that. I have only ever been to two funerals in my life, my great-grandmothers when I was 8 and a family friends 8 years ago. As I sat with Mom making the arrangements I felt this pressure having to write an obituary, having to speak at the funeral, all of the loose ends that needed to be tied up it was all so surreal and happening so fast!
We went to church as a family and Jared sat there with his arms around Mom. I was so proud of him. It felt empty and strange with out Daddy but we were leaning on each other and it was so nice to be at church.
When somebody passes away suddenly, you find yourself clinging to everything that was theirs. Just to feel their presence in your life just a little bit. It was strange to me to have all of these emotions and not know how to capture them. I am a picture person but pictures didn't feel right so I tried to capture my Dad with the little things that were his.
Dad didn't have much that was "his." his list of personal belongings was short but he was blessed in so many other ways and he didn't mind.
His slippers. I'm not sure why but the fact that they were just sitting there just as he left them made things a bit better. When they accidentally got moved I lost it. I'm sure those were the last things that he touched before he left for the hospital for some reason it really bothered me.
For the most part I was fine. I felt empty in a way you can't describe but I had this strength that I didn't understand. I was calm, put together and focused on what needed to be done. It was fine until my family arrived. Everyone was over for dinner and my cousin Jessica came with her daughter Lydia. I brought some of my toys upstairs for her to play with and I sat there watching her play. Then Uncle Mark (her grandpa) came over and they started tickling, wrestling and laughing and in that moment my entire world shattered. The memories from last year hit me like a ton of bricks when my dad was giving horsey rides to my kids in that same room with those same toys. It hit me that that would never happen again. I raced outside, completely embarrassed by my outbreak of emotion and cried the ugly kind of cry. You know the one where you feel like your stomach is being ripped from your body and you can hardly breathe. Of course I had to have my "moment" with a house full of people, with everyone's eyes on me, watching me waiting for me to crumble. It was horrible and embarrassing and all I wanted was my Dad. When I finally pulled myself together it was time to go get Jakob and I was so relieved to have him there with me.
Someone left a candle on our front porch. It was a small yet profound gesture that meant a lot to me. It may have seemed strange but I loved all of the company. I disliked being alone and the first few days our house was like a rotating door of family and friends and it was so comforting. My parents are so well loved and I am so thankful for all of the comments of love, support and encouragement. I cried all day writing this post. I know the pain will heal. I know that I will miss him forever but that with time it won't hurt as badly. I find myself on my knees asking for support. I know I am not the first person to lose a parent and I consider myself to be very lucky that I had him for so long. That he got to see me get married and that he got to see my children but at times I feel as though no one understands, and that is when I turn to the Lord. I know that He understands, that He feels my pain and that our Savior suffered and felt exactly what I am feeling now and through His atonement I can be healed of this suffering. I am so thankful for the plan of salvation and for the gift that the knowledge of this plan is. Heavenly Father didn't send us here to this Earth and simply say good luck, He gave us a plan. I am thankful for eternal families and for the blessing of the temple. I feel so blessed to have been raised my such a giant of a man. He truly was amazing. And I look forward to the day when I get to give him a hug and hear him say "Welcome home Roo."
